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Thursday, April 11, 2013

Google Snaps Australian Couple 'Having S**x on Road'




An Australian couple shot to fame on social media on Thursday after an image of them having s****x by the side of a rural highway made it onto Google Street View, sparking speculation it was a stunt.



The image, which has since been censored by Google, shows the couple bent over the hood of a silver sedan alongside the Dukes Highway outside the town of Keith in South Australia state.

The man has his shorts down; the woman appears to be waving to the Street View car as it passes.

A user on the social media site Reddit first posted the image, with Australian news outlets concluding the steamy scene was probably posed.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

BREAKING NEWS:Gunmen kill 4 Borno State Govt Officials.


Armed men, suspected to be members of the Islamic terror group, Boko Haram, killed four officials of the Borno State Government who were on official visit to Schools in the state.

The officials are members of the state school feeding committee that were on a tour of schools in the state. 
The victims include 
1] Mr Tijjani Mafe - Chairman, feeding committee programs in public schools.
2] Modu Kura Gubio - Accountant. 
3] The Driver and a yet to be named Committee member.

The terrorist laid ambush on the vehicle of the committee members at Logomani Village near Bama Town, 89km from Maiduguri and shot them dead. 
May their Soul Rest In Peace!

BREAKING NEWS: Boko Haram Gives FG New Conditions




A leader of the Boko Haram sect, Muhammad Marwan, has said that if the Federal Government would not blackmail or deceive them as was done in the past, they will be ready to avail themselves for dialogue as was initiated by the Northern Elders Forum.

Marwan spoke in an interview with the Hausa Service of the Voice of America (VOA) monitored in Kaduna on Tuesday, adding that he was speaking on behalf of members of Jamatul Ahlus Sunnati lil Daawati wal Jihad, otherwise known as Boko Haram, on the call by Northern Elders Forum for amnesty for the sect members.

“We thank Allah, we will extend our hands for dialogue to the northern elders just as was done before under my leadership. But if they come there shouldn’t be any deceit in it as was experienced in the past,” he said.

Marwan, who said they were yet to be contacted on the issue of amnesty, however agreed that dialogue was the most important thing in settling matters between aggrieved parties and hoped that a genuine and sincere discussion would eventually lead to amicable resolution of the dispute.

His words: My hope is this, everyday, it is the government that is seeking for this ,on matters pertaining to everyday life, we thank Allah our hope is that there shouldn’t be any deceit, let them come for it. This dialogue is the most important, it is what people want, anytime the issue of dialogue comes in, it is what people are looking for to settle matters between two warring factions.

“Nobody contacted us on this amnesty and we did not contact anybody also. What I’m saying now, truly you are talking with Muhammad Marwan and those that sat with me in the past, will definitely know that you are talking to Muhammad Marwan. I hope if they come through the right channel just as they came to us in the past, Allah willing, they will achieve the desired result. I am assuring the Muslim community particularly in the North, the desired result will be achieved but they should pray so that there will not be any blackmail and deceit on the government’s part as was experienced in the past. This should be their prayers,” he said.

Similarly, an analyst on Boko Haram issues currently in Washington DC for a course, Hamza Idris also spoke with the VOA Hausa Service on the proposed amnesty for the Boko Haram members, saying it’s a good intention but urged that there were certain matters that have to be looked at critically.

“For example it’s a person who believes he has offended that you can now tell that he has been forgiven. That’s my believe in the years that I’ve been writing on the Boko Haram. This is because the sect members still believe they have been offended, that the Federal Government offended them and therefore, if it comes to forgiving, it is they , if they wanted, that will forgive the federal government and not the government to forgive them. “

“Their thinking is what have they done? Like all these security breaches, in their opinion they feel it is like a revenge on what was done to them in 2009. The killing of their leader, destroying their mosque and dispersing the sect members. The government said that all their activities are not recognized by law.

“So when they decided to retaliate, they said they don’t even believe there is anything like government or leadership in the whole of Nigeria. So if you are granting amnesty to someone who doesn’t even recognize your existence, then there is a missing link. They don’t even believe in the existence of the Federal Government so it is something ambiguous to say you are granting them amnesty.

“But in my understanding, there are certain things that should be done. If you look at the past few months, their leader, Abubakar Shekau and those talking for the group have been explaining certain things ,if these things will be carefully looked at, if honest people will be engaged, religious leaders and so on, if people that will not bring the issues of politics will be involved, it will not be a surprise to achieve success.

“First and foremost, the kind of ideology they adopted is independent,on what pertains to religion. If you look at the constitution ,it gives people the freedom of worship. But when they were dispersed, they were denied the freedom to practice their kind of religion. When their mosque was destroyed, anybody who comes out and professed their kind of religion will be dealt with, security agents will arrest him and say the federal government is not in support of that religious creed.So it is therefore necessary to sit down with them and discuss these issues toward resolving them.

“Secondly, many of the sect members have been arrested and detained in prisons, military, police and other security camps like that of the SSS. They explained that it will not be possible to sit down with you for dialogue when everyday, your members are being arrested and detained.

“They also talked about their little children, wives that are detained and they believe in the whole world, nowhere is a war fought and children with their mothers are arrest and taken to unknown destinations. These are important issues that should be put on table to deliberate and find the solution.

“Also, this talk of nobody knows them, they are ghosts etc, it is an important problem that should be resolved. For example, the President had said he won’t grant amnesty to ghosts, and now he agreed to grant the amnesty to ghosts. This is difficult problem, in my opinion that statement should be changed, it should be now there are some sect members in detention and we are going to start discussing with them. If the talks are genuine and sincere, perhaps it won’t be difficult to achieve result.

“Many of them are detained, some in Abuja, some in Maiduguri, many were taken to other towns in the South. If you are talking of the youth, they are countless. If for example there was a raid in Maiduguri,40 to 50 youths will be arrested at a time .Weapons will be displayed that they belonged to the youths. So if such things are happening, the idea that no one knows them does not even arise. If you will arrest 40 and claim to have discovered certain weapons from them, them the idea of saying you don’t know them shouldn’t arise,” he said.

Pictures Of Chinwe,Burnt Beyond Recognition At The Ore Multiple Accident Last Week


Chinwe Orefo a student was amongst the over 80 people burnt to death beyond recognition at the multiple accident that happened along the Benin Ore Expressway last Friday.. 
She was coming back from the wedding of her cousin..She and many others will be given a mass burial soon since her body may not be identified..RIP 

Stephen Keshi Looses Salary After Receiving Cars From Glo


Few days after he received the cars that were promised him by Mike Adenuga of Globacom, Super Eagles coach, Stephen Keshi will be loosing a significant amount of his salary due to a new structure being promoted by the leadership of the Nigeria Football Federation, NFF.

After a meeting of the Technical Committee of the NFF in Abuja, it was decided that all match bonuses as well as the salaries of the coaches, including Keshi should be cut down.

When Punch asked the General Secretary of the NFF, Mr. Musa Amadu, why they are reducing the pay of people who recently brought bride to Nigeria, he simply said it's due to the reality on ground.

“If you take just a simple look at the period around June and the cost implication for the country, for instance, you will understand that the measures being taken have become very necessary. We cannot continue like this; there has to be sensible auditing,” he said.

The committee also deliberated on the war of words between Keshi and his players and promised to address the issues before the team embarks on matches for the 2014 FIFA World Cup qualifiers.

82-Year-Old Church Deacon Caught Having S**x With Donkey




An 82-year-old Seventh Day Adventist deacon is bracing for a dose of unwanted attention from his village after he failed to control his penchant for s**x and allegedly had intercourse with a donkey.

The detestable incident which left villagers in Filabusi's Gangabezi village, Zimbabwe shell-shocked transpired sometime last month. According to sources who spoke to our news crew and requested anonymity, it is alleged the sexual predator, Deacon Canaan Ncube (82) was caught pants down while 'feasting' on a hapless donkey.

"I strongly believe that it was not his first time to be intimate with the donkey. The way he had positioned himself and the donkey showed traces of experience," said the source.

The bestiality issue came to light when Sibangani who was heading home from his sojourns allegedly saw Deacon Ncube with a humble animal. When Deacon Ncube realised that his escapades had come in the open, he freed the hapless animal and vanished from the scene, it is alleged. Sibangani then blew the said issue to the whole village.

"The news of Deacon Canaan and his donkey swiftly spread like veld fire. Everyone knows about this issue. It is not even a secret, you can ask anyone," said the source.

When the senior village headman, Patrick Ndlovu, was reached for comment, he said he was aware of the issue.

"I am aware of this issue. I am waiting for the village head Mechat Masuku and her entourage to deliberate on the issue. They will then report the matter to the police because it is out of my jurisdiction. I do not deal with such cases," said the senior village head.

Village Head Masuku said she was waiting to hear from the village neighbourhood committee members to give her feedback.

"I left the issue in the hands of village neighbourhood committee members to see to it that they bring down the culprit but up to now nothing has been done. I do not even know why they are taking too long," she said.

Meanwhile, Adventist church Deacon Ncube said he was aware of the rumours but dismissed the allegations as false statements meant to tarnish his image.

"I am very aware of the whole saga. I heard this issue at the church service last week, but the truth is that I know nothing about it and the neighbourhood constables have not contacted me," he said.

DAD SAID I AM SWEETER THAN MUM IN BED...PLEASE HELP.




I am a 17yrs girl and in Mathare High School Kenya....

When i'm in holiday, i enjoy walking with Dad than Mum. 

I have this problem that i get s**xually attracted to my Dad no matter how i try to control myself. 

i seduced him yesterday when my mum was

away in a wedding and we ended up making love.. 

I have a boyfriend but I just get attracted to my Dad and i just dont no why..

i just feel like having s***x with him again and again.. 

What shud i do to stop this? 

Because he told me that i am sweeter than mum.
please help..

Man Sells 6-month- Old Son To Raise Funds For Visa


One Mr Onyekachi  Ekwelum, who allegedly sold his six-month-old  son to raise funds to process his travel documents, would  be appearing before a magistrate in court to defend his action.

Mr Ekwelum allegedly hatched and executed the act without the consent of the wife, but the lid was blown off by his 20-year-old spouse Ozioma when she could not find their son and reported the matter to the police. Her husband had wanted to travel to Greece.

  
The Abia State commissioner of Police, Mr Usman Abubakar Tilli, who disclosed this to newsmen in his office on Monday said the police  mounted a man hunt that led to the rescue of the child and the arrest of the suspects.

CP Tilli  warned criminals to stay off the state as there would be no hiding place for them and said the suspects have been charged to court.

T he Commissioner  who expresses  concern over spate of  child trafficking said that on March 4 this  year Mr Chidiebere Samuel of Ovungwu in IsialaNgwa south  Local  government area that his wife Odinaka Samuel  connived with a nurse  Monica Benjamin who delivered her baby girl and sold the child at N150, 000.

 Describing such acts as inhuman, he said the  suspects in  the criminal transaction have been apprehended  and charged to an Umuahia Magistrate court.

 In a similar incident in  Amoji  Isiala Ngwa  north  local government  the commissioner said that  a man Mr Oluchukwu Ogidi  reported that his wife Kelechi on March 16 connived with one Dr Williams Oruwa who delivered her baby and sold the newborn baby boy for N350.He also said  the suspects have been arrested and charged to court  even as he revealed that in the course of investigation three pregnant women allegedly harboured by the suspect possibly to have their babies sold after delivery were discovered.
Source: Leadership 

Monday, April 8, 2013

Chris Brown EXCLUSIVE Interview: Why I Love Making Music With Rihanna



Chris Brown answered HollywoodLife’s questions in an EXCLUSIVE interview, and revealed why he and Rihanna love making sweet, sweet music together! Keep reading for more details. 

Chris Brown & Rihanna Collaborate: ‘As Effortless As Can Be’

“It flows easy,” Chris said about collaborating with his sexy girlfriend. “What works with us is that we have similar ways of creating music.”

Chris and Rihanna combined for “Nobody’s Business,” a standout track off of Rihanna’s newest album Unapologetic and they also worked together on a song that may be included on Chris’ upcoming album, X, called “Put It Up.”

What’s so great about their collaborations is that you can feel the love and synchronicity just by listening. The music ends up being so good because its creators are extremely passionate about it.

And when he’s with Rihanna, Chris tells us that he never struggles to find inspiration: “It’s as effortless as can be,” he says.

Chris Brown Reveals Details About ‘Put It Up’

We asked Chris to give us some more details about “Put It Up” because we were such “Nobody’s Business” junkies when the song was released. CB filled us in, saying that “Put It Up” is actually a much different song than “Nobody’s Business.”

“It’s more of an R&B record,” Chris said. “I wanted to do an R&B record with Rihanna because I didn’t want it to be the same pop sound as before, something different than what you’d expect from us.”

We trust pretty much anything that Chris and RiRi put out together, so we’re definitely on board for this. However, Chris isn’t making any promises that “Put It Up” will make it onto his album. “Nothing’s been locked in yet,” he said.

Star Actress Joke Silva Roots Modern Day Slavery Out




Veteran actress, Joke Silva the mother of three Lamenting the scourge of human trafficking and smuggling of migrants across borders: 

Are you planning to travel out of the country illegally? Are you seeking greener pastures in the Europe at all cost? Joke has a warning for you. Hear her:

“When these people go, they never make enough money to come back. They are turned into sex slaves as soon as they arrive. Back in Nigeria, they are made to go to shrines to swear to fake gods. They are vulnerable and manipulated. If they are lucky they get to the other side but many die before that.”

But why is Joke so passionate about this project? “Because I don’t think anybody should live that kind of life. I really do believe that we need to demystify the Western world. I studied there. I remember one of the reasons why I didn’t stay over there as an actress was that I did not want to work there. I made up my mind that if I was ever going to work overseas, it would be because I was invited.”

“In Africa, we tend to think that Europe is the place where the streets are paved with gold but that’s not the case. I was at a programme recently and I said ‘look, I was in the United States, on Rodeo Drive where you have all the rich people. Right there I saw people, white people sleeping on the streets.

“So, you see, there are so many poor people all over the world. What we are trying to say is that rather than leave your country, why don’t you just find an alternative? Whatever you think the other country has, come and develop it in your country. All over the world, people are facing challenges whether we like it or not. If we want things to be better for our country, let’s stay here and fight it collectively. We need to fight for what we need for our country. We don’t have to be violent about it. There are many options that will work for civil society. Going outside of this country illegally is not an option.

“The reason people are trafficked is either for their organs or to work as s3x slaves and most times people fall victims because of the lies that they are told. Most times, these people are deceived by madams who pose as business women. They come back from probably Italy, build a couple of houses and say ‘I can take so many people with me and they will make a lot of money. They will come back and do the same thing I am doing with money’, and young people are misled.”

The growing global challenge of trafficked persons and illegal immigration, Joke and rapper, MI were appointed UN Peace Ambassadors. Consequently, she is bringing her wealth of experience to bear. Now, she is collaborating with Osita Oseneme of Patriotic Citizens Initiatives who was a victim of human trafficking

See The World's Most Miserable Looking Cats


A Canadian Sphynx cat waits for its turn to be judged during an international feline beauty competition in Romania
 
Their beauty must be on the inside! Some of the world’s most miserable looking cats enter competition to find most attractive feline
 
Peep more when you continue.
 
 
A frightening Canadian Sphynx cat is not amused by a judge's toy during an international feline beauty competition in Bucharest, Romania
 
A Sphynx cat with bat-like ears and an evil glint in its eye
 
The cat, wearing a sparkly necklace, poses for the camera with its proud owner
 
A wrinkly white cat rests in a judge's arms
 
The hairless cat climbs up its owner's jumper

Saturday, April 6, 2013

IYANYA SET TO COLLABO WITH NICKI?



Yes ohh, you read the header right. Iyanya and Nicki Minaj to collaborate. That's the unconfirmed rumour in town. That Nigeria's own current music sensation, Iyanya, who has dropped such great hits like ''Your Waist'', ''Kukere'' and whose recent album launch was a success. He is also currently in the USA, we hear might be considering a music collaboration with the uniquely gifted American rapstress/singer, the incredibly talented Nicki Minaj.
We were very curious to know how true the gist might be, so we placed a call to the music sensation, but he was unavailable as he is in the US. But we got across to someone close to him, who normally should know and we were told that, as far as they know, nothing like the said collabo is in view. So the rumours are unfounded.

We believe them anyway. But we would have loved to see, Iyanya and Nicki, doing ''Your Waist''....................

Thursday, April 4, 2013

''Jesus Did Not Die on the Cross, He Was In a Coma'' - Sheikh Gumi





Respected Islamic cleric, Sheikh Ahmad Abubakar Gumi has sensationally asserted that Jesus Christ did not die on the cross and there was therefore no basis for Christians to celebrate Easter.
According to Gumi, Jesus was only comatose. Gumi made this postulation on his facebook page on a post titled 'Easter Musings'.
Read below;
EASTER MUSINGS!

We thank Allah the Benevolent the Merciful, for passing us through the Easter season without any significant insecurity issue more especially against the Christian. We are happy for that and we applaud all for the peace-calling speeches we heard from all quarters.

Since Easter is meant to be a period of spiritual contemplation, the best gift we can offer our Christian fellows is another prism to see through and re-contemplate.

Religion is not defined by its adherents but by the theological basis of its deliverance. For instance, if Boko Haram, are the ones that define Islam, then Islam will be like a candle in broad day light burning itself out. Nor the sultanate or any other traditional or cultural organization or religious order for that matter. Nay, Islam is defined by the scriptural purity of its universal message. In that sense also, the church today does not define Christianity nor what the Christians do or don’t do. Christianity is equally defined by its theology.

The theological basis, on which Easter celebrates, is the foundation of the Christian faith. St. Paul wrote: “And if Christ be not risen, then is our preaching vain, and your faith is also vain.“ Resurrection purports the necessity to believe that Jesus – alaihis Salam- died on the cross. On this all canonical Christians agree. Their belief is that Jesus was killed by crucifixion (c.f. cruci-fiction). While the Quran came categorically plain that Jesus was never killed by any method, crucifixion included. “And because of their boasting (Jews): "We killed Christ Jesus the son of Mary, the Messenger of Allah”.;- but They killed Him not, nor crucified him, but so it was made to appear to them, and those who differ therein are full of doubts, with no (certain) knowledge, but only conjecture to follow, for of a surety They killed Him not:- Nay, Allah raised Him up unto Himself; and Allah is Exalted In power, Wise;- And there is none of the people of the Book but must believe In Him before His death; and on the Day of Judgment He will be a witness against them;”- Q4/157-159.

These are words of the Quran, clear and unambiguous that Jesus Christ was not killed by the Jews or Romans. Beyond that, neither the Quran nor any Hadith attributed to the prophet –peace be upon him- explained the details of what happened to him. For the Islamic theologians they had to also depend on some Jewish narrations called “israeliyat” with what literally tally with the Quranic verse of their understanding. That is why the difference of opinion as to who was actually the fellow that was made to resemble Jesus.

Part of the miracles of the Holy Quran is the malleability and selection of words -like a master key- to repute different wrong and faulty theological discrepancies at a go. What the Quran said was that the Jews who claimed they have killed Jesus on the cross are in dispute and are only following their thoughts – conjecture. “and those who differ therein are full of doubts, with no (certain) knowledge, but only conjecture to follow, for of a surety They killed Him not”.

Strangely for them, such doubts were recorded among the canonical Christians. (Joh:19:31: The Jews therefore, because it was the preparation, that the bodies should not remain upon the cross on the sabbath day, (for that sabbath day was an high day,) besought Pilate that their legs might be broken, and that they might be taken away. Joh:19:32: Then came the soldiers, and brake the legs of the first, and of the other which was crucified with him.Joh:19:33: But when they came to Jesus, and saw that he was dead already, they brake not his legs:).

The testimony of his death on the cross came from a distance observation of Roman soldiers - the executioners “and saw that he was dead already”. On the contrary, on close observation, of one of them, the bible recorded, doubted and therefore took a different cause to ascertain whether he actually died. (Joh:19:34: BUT one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water. Joh:19:35: And he that saw it bare record, and his record is true: and he knoweth that he saith true, that ye might believe. Joh:19:36: For these things were done, that the scripture should be fulfilled, A bone of him shall not be broken. Joh:19:37: And again another scripture saith, They shall look on him whom they pierced.)

Here we are: “But one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water. And he that saw it bare record, and his record is true: and he knoweth that he saith true, that ye might believe” that he was not dead when he was brought down from the cross. He was then only comatose. Therefore, the Quran here is also a perfect answer for this line of theological belief.

 Allah said in the Quran “”.;- but They killed Him not, nor crucified him, but so it was made to appear to them, and those who differ therein are full of doubts, with no (certain) knowledge, but only conjecture to follow, for of a surety They killed Him not:- Nay, Allah raised Him up unto Himself; and Allah is Exalted In power, Wise;”. It explains the logic behind the emphasis “, for of a surety They killed Him not”. For those non canonical Christian scriptures like the disputed Gospel of Barnabas, where Jesus was substituted with another disciple, the Quranic expression “but so it was made to appear to them” is read as “but so he was made to appear to them”.

Whichever way Christians and non-Christians follow, the Quran exposes the dispute therein in the one of the four canonical gospels and augment their uncertainty of his death on the cross as is in their scriptures, the very foundation of which billions of faithful hang their salvation on.

Let us figuratively look at the issue this way. A thirsty man with the choices of either drinking a glass of a probably poisoned milk or an ascertained pure glass of water would drink the water. No two sane people will argue about this logic. This is the lesson the Quran casted on the end of the life of one of the greatest human that lived. Leave what is doubtful and follow what is simple and clear. Jesus – alaihis Salam- taught in unequivocal terms that God is the Master in charge and should only be worshiped directly, so why do people bet on the most unsubstantiated historical account of his life as the foundation of their faith? This when he has clearly shown his limitations. “And he saith unto them, Ye shall drink indeed of my cup, and be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with: but to sit on my right hand, and on my left, is not mine to give, but it shall be given to them for whom it is prepared of my Father.” M't:20:23. “ … no intercessor (can plead with him) except after His leave (hath been obtained). This is Allah your Lord; Him Therefore serve ye: will ye not receive admonition? Q10/3.

Let us all join hands to worship one God; there is no Deity except Him.

May Allah guide us all to the straight path.

Gambian president warns homosexuals to stay away from the country or regret being born


Gambian president, Yahya Jammeh, has warned that any gay or lesbians found in the country will "regret" being born. During a speech on March 28th at the opening of the country’s parliament, President Jammeh said:
Homosexuality is anti-humanity. I have never seen homosexual chicken, or turkey. If you are convicted of homosexuality in this country, there will be no mercy for offenders.
Homosexuality is anti-god, anti-human, and anti-civilization. Homosexuals are not welcome in the Gambia. If we catch you, you will regret why you are born. I have buffalos from South Africa and Brazil and they never date each other. We are ready to eat grass but we will not compromise on this. Allowing homosexuality means allowing satanic rights. We will not allow gays here.

Open Letter To All Employers




From a reader... 

Dear Employers,
For those of us born with a wooden spoon, life in Nigeria's unemployment market is terrible. I thought I came, saw and conquered hardship until I started looking for a job. Hollywood movies taught me its so easy to get a job so long as you are willingly and ready to work.

What can I say about my country??? Different!!! You spend 30 years acquiring different qualifications and at the end of the day you only get a job where your total earnings will be less than the money you spent on your primary education that's except you have what they call connections.


My parents use to say, just go to school, graduate with honours and everything would be fine. I did just that with a degree from the faculty of business administration. My friends say its because I'm based in the south.
But I know that's a lie. Whatever happened to cool jobs like selling gala & la casera in airlines or killing mosquitoes in aso rock?

All I needed was a job for a couple of months. But what did a sister get? Terrible offers!

My keypads are soaked with tears. Please continue reading. These are the part time job offers I got:


The first job required me working as one of the room service employees in a two and a half star hotel, alongside  primary school drop outs. You know that sort of job where I'll wear the hotel's uniform with one cheap face cap then I'll get to flush the poo of rich men (lucky me),wash the *** stained bedsheets of aristos, pick used condoms littered over the room, make the bed for runs girls to sleep, run petty errands like buying snuff for the hotel manager and once in a while, I get to sweep the floor.

SO  I  SAID  NO!!!

The second job. I got an offer to work in a poultry farm where I'll take care of chickens, turkeys, fowls, ducks...you name it. With that sort of job I'll go home everyday smelling like fowl shit. The chickens will peck my hands and I'll end up with holes in my palms, when I'm hungry, I get to eat chicken feed(bonus), when there is a bird flu outbreak, yours truly  would become the guinea pig of the poultry farm as I  would walk away in slow motion with an instant price of full blown bird flu.

Also, my constant exposure to birds may cause my genes to mutate and  I may start developing feathers. One day, I'll wake up  and realise I can crow just like a cock and my new genes may cause me do that occasionally when I'm angry.

Imagine me walking on the road under the rain, a car drives  by in full speed and splashes dirty water on me, I get really infuriated and I'll be like ''ku ku ru cooo''

SO  I  SAID  NO!!!


The third job. I was offered a job to take an old man's dog for a thirty minutes walk. (first time I heard about such job even though it came with ground nuts salary), I get to do my job thrice a week. The first two weeks I may end up with injuries from the unfriendly dog. The day I get really hungry, I'll have to feed on the remains of the dog's pedigree (at least I  get to eat meat).

One day, the dog gets infected with rabies and I unknowingly  take the dog for a walk. Bingo the dog will be so generous and will spoil me silly with rabies.
The rest is history.

In a month's time, my pictures are all over everyone's display pictures with the RIP status.

SO  I  SAID  NO!!!


The  fourth job required me working as a labourer in a building site. I'm gonna have to say goodbye to fashion and wear boxers & singlet while I work. At the end of  six months I'll end up with so much muscles coupled with the way my tiny frame will lose weight.

My palms will always be sore due to the cement & sand combination. The only 'gadget' I'll know how to operate perfectly will be a shovel. People might think I have leprosy cos the cement will turn my skin into a wanna'be oyinbo.

My male colleagues (the labourers) may introduce me to weed smoking 101 and dry gin 111. I may indulge which might turn me into a first class female agbero. When I'm done  working as a labourer, which man is gonna marry me when I'll be looking like  a man or should I say almost male?

SO  I  SAID  NO!!!


The fifth job. A married couple wanted a housemaid. I'll accept the job and move  into their house with my long natural hair. Mrs Madam Wife will get jealous, use her shaving stick to shave my hair, strip me of my flashy clothes and give me those gowns they wear in DLC.

I'll get breakfast in bed everyday cos the kitchen will be my room.

Musa the gate man might be my new boo since I wont have  time to make friends when all I'll be doing is washing Mrs wife clothes.  I'll learn new stunts like how to watch TV from the keyhole of the parlour door and how to open a  hot pot with my bare hands to steal meat without making a sound (additional skills).

And lets not forget Mr Sir Husband, he will say I am too beautiful to be a maid, he'll say he wish he met me before he got married, that he is lonely in his marriage, his wife is a career woman and whenever he tries to make love to her, she ends up with lame excuses like ''honey, lets suspend this, I'll cum when I'm less busy''.

He'll ask me to strip let him confirm if I have pimples or nipples on my chest , he'll want to see what style I wear my panties,  if I have a birthmark on my thighs and if I have cute scars from mosquitoes bites in my butt.

Eventually, I'll fall for all his tricks, he'll come to my 'bed' under the kitchen table  and make me thank him for all his compliments......

 all night long....

Four weeks later, I get pregnant. I attempt to confide in Mrs Wife about the thanksgiving ceremony her husband had with me four weeks ago but she calls me a witch.

Mr husband and Mrs wife are gonna kick me and my unborn baby so hard into the streets.

Need I say more??

SO  I  SAID  NO!!!


The sixth job. I saw an application online requiring the services of a female amateur porn star to shoot a porn movie. Don't blame me, when your jobless and broke, you get to consider crazy offers. I apply for the job. Arrangements are made for me to travel abroad for the video shoot.

I am given hard drugs, taught  different sex positions ,taught how to say ''oh yeah'' and other silly slangs.

During the video shoot, I'll be doing very abnormal things with one hefty man in front of the camera. I'll think of my parents, the disgrace and shame and I'll start sobbing slowly while Mr hefty is still performing stunts ontop of me.

The video director will scream ''whats wrong with this bitch (I automatically became a bitch the day I submitted their application form)? Would you stop crying and cum fast before you ruin this video'' I am gonna reply ''but I don't know how to cum''. He's gonna say ''JUST PEE  ON  HIM, THEN SCREAM  LIKE  A  MONKEY AND  LEAVE  HIM  THERE''.

Those who will watch the video will think i really enjoyed it. I'll do just that and walk away with thousands of dollars.

Three years later, the night before my traditional marriage, my porn video unfortunately reaches Nigeria. My groom's family hands my parents half bottle of La casera and one indomie super pack  as my bride price, shake their heads and  walk out.

My parents disown me...

SO I SAID NO!!!

The seventh job. Finally, a corporate offer. A financial organisation offered me a job as a marketing agent. I'll get to wear a suit and walk on the road, under the sun that currently fries dodo, looking for customers for them. Everyday will be a carnival for me cos the streets will be my office.

What does that make me? A CORPORATE MADWOMAN!!! The real mad people on the streets will watch me roaming with my corporate attire and think I'm taking this madness business too personal.
There is no salary for the job. They said I'll earn commissions. So if I'm not able to convince someone, I go home with nothing that's after the sun eventually fries me to a ghanaian. I'll be left with no money  to buy bleaching cream to make my skin return back to a 'Nigerian'.

SO  I  SAID  NO!!!


The eight and final job was my idea. Weeks passed by and I got no more offers. Then I remembered I've always wanted to be an entrepreneur. I thought of a business I can start with little or no capital and no real assets since I have none.

The only job that came into my mind was prostitution. My earnings will be unlimited since I am hard working and I wont have to pay tax.

I need no capital and the asset I need is me. My body! God's temple! I'm gonna have to let dirty men, lepers, cultists, criminals, touts and all manner of men touch me so long as they've got money. Money for hand, back for ground shall be my life philosophy.

But will bathing with an iron sponge wash me thoroughly? Would dipping myself into a boiling pot of dettol cleanse me? Would using izal to douche my vagina save me?

How about all the various take away items and souvenirs I'll get in form of STD's? the zero self esteem I'll be left with?  My 'wife material' reducing to one thread? Lets not forget the great HIV/AIDS as a bonus.

If I'm unlucky, a very 'grateful' customer may decide to drug me and use me for rituals. My stubborn spirit might luckily vomit coins and counterfeits notes in five naira denominations for him. In anger, he may go to my grave, dig up my dead body and KILL  ME AGAIN.

SO  I  SAID  NO!!!

That's all.

I bet you must be laughing  at me  right now.
But don't forget the writer is in tears.
This is a genuine cry for help. If you've got that offer  that would  make me smile and say YES,
kindly send an email.
Friskyjenniee@gmail.com
Thank you.

 

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