My girl and I went to see Jack and the Beanstalk Jack the Giant Slayer last night and it was more entertaining than I had anticipated (Though I never noticed any female giants, which begs the question, 'How on earth were such a mythical army of 'males' born in the first place?). We arrived in good time, bought the calorie-adding popcorn and fizzy drink, plus we were the third couple to walk into the screening room, allowing us to pick choice seats. Unfortunately there was one critical factor we were completely unprepared for and had no way of predicting - the unpredictability of Nigerian cinema goers. *flexes fingers*
1. Talking on their phones. Whilst we watched Fee Fi Fo Fum confront Jack, I had to hold myself from not confronting the buffoon on my row who was answering a mobile phone call. He made no attempt to whisper - you could hear every single word he was saying (so much so that I heard him say he would call back in 10 minutes when he knew fully well that the movie had another hour to go! Seriously?!!). He must have talked for a good 3 minutes with no interruptions - not even a 'shush' from anyone in the audience...bizarre. I know what I was thinking of telling him (To know what that was, click here only if you're 18 or older).
2. Putting their feet up on the seat in front. Despite the fact that the seats in Silverbird Cinemas Ikeja can be reclined (just like you have on airplanes) some movie goers here still feel the need to milk every possible position of comfort. Not only is putting your feet up on someone else's seat bad manners but it also makes the poor person sat in that chair look like a bunny rabbit with dirty ears! (imagine the soles of two shoes on top of someone's head).
3. Bringing babies under 1 year. I'm no expert on babies but I'm pretty sure that exposing their tiny eardrums to thunderous explosions aptly amplified by Dolby surround speakers (just for good measure) would not aid hearing development. I can understand the challenges of finding a trustworthy babysitter or persuading a relative to watch over the baby. However, there's always the earplugs option, the rent-a-DVD option or the wait-till-the-movie-comes-out-on- DVD option. For God's sake, prioritize! baby first, giants later!
4. Talking to the cinema screen. We all get carried away sometimes. But when there are other people around you there should be limits. At what point would a movie watcher realize that all his warnings and pockets of advice are not being ignored by the movie characters - THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE IT IS ONLY A MOVIE! Or maybe they just feel the people around them are probably so dim that we need an indirect explanation to bring us up to speed >> 'Thanks but I watched the movie synopsis, I'm familiar with this sort of mythological theme and story-line, and most importantly I have over 25 years of movie-watching experience!' Keep your commentary to yourself and STFU refer to the link in point 1.
5. Standing up minutes before the movie ends. Some Nigerians just don't get the full value of what they pay for simply because they lack patience. Take for instance the blockbuster movie The Avengers which had some added movie footage after the credits. Other notable movies with added footage include, THOR and Fast Five. It wouldn't hurt to just sit tight for another 3 minutes just to be sure that you haven't missed a sneak preview into any possible sequels. Or don't they even want to know the name of that really good actress with the nice butt and sexy accent or the hunk with the biceps and piercing blue eyes? (for example). I frankly don't care if they stay or go but they usually disrupt my viewing pleasure as they make no attempt to crouch as they pass in front of me
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